I didn't blog yesterday, but let me just recap what happened.

I had more conversations with friends, one of which lasted about 1.5 hours. I won't go into details, but we talked about numerous things, including emotional spanners. Heh :)

I've succeeded in baking cookies. I hope everyone likes them!

I've been reading a lot of articles recently about compassion, how to practice it in daily life, and the neurological effects of meditating on it. I've also read up on kindness, forgiveness, apologies, humility, and a few other topics. I think that my most important progress yesterday was with my mother... I'll copy my and her e-mails below so that anyone can fully understand what I mean.

"Mom,
 
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and my life. Volunteering at the homeless shelter without being told to do so by anyone is part of this too. I wanted to tell you a few things before I go to school today. You're probably at work, so an e-mail will have to do.
 
First of all, I want to say I'm sorry. I remember once when I was a child, I realized I was greedy or spoiled or something along those lines and I cried in the car. I remember it was a very emotional moment for me, and I can't believe I've forgotten that moment until just recently. At some point, I think I lost track of the ability to look at myself objectively and only turned to look at others. As my mother, you've probably endured a lot of crap from your arrogant son. That's not really fair to you, and I'm sorry that I have judged you during my life. Of course, you're not perfect, but no one is. I love you, but I think you were right when you said that my helping you had a bit of spite in it. I was angry at you and myself, and frustrated. I didn't know how to solve problems without placing blame. It was wrong. I'm sorry. Hopefully I'll soon be able to look at things in a different way and feel more compassion when trying to solve your and my problems.
 
I also want to say thank you. Despite all of the misfortune that I believe I've endured, I've had some of the most amazing opportunities that few others experience. I probably told myself that I worked hard to earn them, and that's true, but you supported me. When I was a child, you did your best to take care of me, even without a stable family. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you, since I was so young in Arkansas when we moved around so much. You probably made sacrifices for me that I'd not want to think about making if I had my own child. The financial burden alone I put on you growing up was likely immense. The emotional one, only you'll ever truly know. For everything you ever did for me, including dealing with me, Thank you.
 
I love you Mom. Please never forget that.
 
Michael"

Indeed, an emotional e-mail. I started typing it when I realized I was crying when reading an article about showing compassion and love to other people. The article said to imagine someone close to you suffering, and before I knew it, I was seeing my mother work her ass off to support her child, despite not having a husband. It was... a little frightening to feel like that, but I think it's a good thing. She sent this e-mail in response:

"I love you SO much - more than you'll ever know - and I love the young man you are striving to become.  I can still hear Gramma saying she hoped she would live long enough to see what you ended up doing with all your special gifts, and your endless potential.  I think what she forgot is that life is a continual growing process.  The gifts and potential you put to use today may not be the same ones that bring you the most joy and satisfaction when you are 50.  The flip side of that is that where you find joy, happiness, and personal satisfaction at 50 is totally influenced by every day you have lived leading up to that day! 

Self Improvement Experiment

Day 2

While yesterday I neglected to record anything, I've decided to write down my feelings during the coming days on my personal thought experiment. The point of this thought experiment is to see if one can practice a new frame of mind. Due to the fact that memories can be changed by conscious or unconscious effort, I fully believe it's possible... much like listening to the same bad song for a long enough time makes it gradually sound better (at least in my experience). So, here's what has happened so far. I'm excited :)

Yesterday, it began with me being at work and deciding that a few things I had been told by someone were completely true. My way of treating my customers at work was only one of many examples of the things I had been told, but it was my location at that time, so I decided to start there. This world is full of enough spite and anger, I thought. Indeed, it would be better for me to just let it go and treat my customers like customers. So, for the rest of the day, I smiled at everyone. When a customer was rude to me, I simply answered their questions as best I could, sold them what they wanted, and made sure I said to have a good day before they stormed out of the store. The day ended with me feeling like I had accomplished something monumental, considering it had never happened before. It is by no means an end, but it is certainly a beginning. We'll see if it's easier on Wednesday.

Yesterday morning also held an interesting event for me and my possible self improvement. Weight Training's orientation was held in the pool room in the school gym. Unfortunately for our instructor, everyone was very distracted by one young man who continually did dives into the deeper end of the pool. His grace was amazing. Even I couldn't stop watching him spin, tuck, and dive from such a height and still make only a minimal splash. I found myself admiring it and I thought that was interesting, considering I generally dislike sports. It was only after a lot of thought that I realized that I don't dislike sports... but rather football. I love ice hockey and figure skating like nobody's business. Apparently I also have an interest in diving, especially on the olympic level. Watching some of the Chinese divers with partners was breath taking, considering just how in sync they were with one another. I feel like it would take many years of my life to accomplish something like that. I wish I had a diving friend so I could talk to him/her about it.

Today held more for me in my experiment, as I took a more aggressive approach. It took an hour and a half, but I finally found all the information I needed. Athens Area Homeless Shelter seems to not allow individuals to bring food, as it conflicts with the interests of the organizations who donate food to the shelter. Oddly, the woman on the phone said that if I brought food, the organization would feel like I was saying their food wasn't good enough... Did I miss something, or isn't giving supposed to be about giving? Since when is it about feeling like you gave more than some other group? How could one be jealous of joining you in providing for the needy? Seemed really strange to me, but the woman assured me that they'd had incidents before. So, after 1.5 hours, I finally succeeded in signing up to provide dessert for the shelter's residents on Friday afternoon. I'm excited, especially because I realized that people enjoying cooking makes me happy. I'm thinking pudding or cookies... not sure which yet. I'll be able to talk to the residents after serving them food, so I'll be able to hear some of their stories.

I talked to three of my friends (one being an apartment-mate) about their views on authority figures. My apartment-mate was the one to really talk to me about it the most. He made it clear to me that he believes that authority figures are best judged by their treatment of others and their ability to lead. He asked me if I would disrespect an authority figure who was fair and easy to work with. Very quickly, I said no. He said, "See?" That was the turning point in the conversation. My apartment-mate pointed out that I wouldn't have problems with authority figures if they treated me well. To sum it up, we thought that a lot of authority figures in my past may have been what I perceived to be unfair to me. I could see how that could give me some problems, I agree with him when he says that a fair, flexible authority figure wouldn't really pose a threat in my eyes. I just need to remind myself that not all authority figures are going to mistreat me.

I'm actually currently talking to a friend now about stress and how it can affect people around you. He says that being stressed is likely to cause others to be stressed. That's not something I want to do to people. It's something I need to work on, I know. I'll be working on handling stressful situations on my own before throwing them at others. While friends are here for things like that, I can understand that there's a line and I cross it without realizing it.

Tomorrow I'll be going back to work and practicing being nice to customers no matter how they treat me. I'll also be deciding what I'll be making for the shelter. I'm leaning towards cookies at the moment. For now, I need sleep, so I'm out.